It all started with the burrito.  Ah the burrito!  That mound of meat, cheese and sauce stuffed to bursting within that soft flour tortilla, and it was mine.  All mine.  At least that’s what I was thinking at around one in the morning.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it before bed, but I just couldn’t resist its call.  So I ate it and went to bed, and that was when the adventure began.  I was just falling asleep when I heard his voice…Burrito:  Hey Man, wake up!I barely opened my eyes and managed to mumble, “Tina, go back to bed!”

Burrito:  Dude, wake up man.  That loco dog has been giving me the eye all day.  It’s really freaking me out.

I opened my eyes and was surprised to find the afternoon’s sunshine blinding me.  Once my eyes adjusted, I saw standing before me a burrito with arms and legs made of string cheese and though he was talking to me, I saw no mouth.  Needless to say, I was beginning to get weirded out.

Dog:  Oh, chee George.  Just one taste.  We’ve been walking all day.

Next to a talking burrito, a talking Saint Bernard seemed somewhat normal.  So I chose to converse with the dog.  “Walking where?  Who are you guys?”

Dog:  My name’s Gus.  I have asthma because I’m allergic to dog hair.  I’m off to see the President for a cure.  He pointed a paw at the burrito who just pulled a banjo out of an old tennis shoe at his side.  He strummed a few cords and said…

Burrito:  My name’s Karl.I squeezed my eyes shut and rose to my feet with a groan.  “Karl?”

Burrito:  Yeah man, Karl.  What, you think since I’m a burrito I’d have a name like Jose and Carlos?  Man, that prejudice man!”

Sorry, sorry!  Um, what are you here for?

Burrito:  Man, I hear where the President hangs, no burrito has to worry about being eaten.  That’s too good to be true!

Hmm, asthma and consumption.  I guess those are good reasons to go see the President, but why was I here?  I knew I was going to regret it, but I asked the dog, “So why would I be going to see the President?”

Dog:  You only got a one way ticket here to find Freedom’s Key.  You got the key, now you have to take it to the President to get your ticket back home.  Why do you think you’re dressed like Indiana Jones?

Up until now, I didn’t notice what I was wearing.  Yup, all the way up to the fedora.  I reached down into my satchel that I just noticed was hanging from my shoulder and found an old, beaten up, brass key.  I shook my head.  “Well, guys, lets go see the President!

We were in the middle of a grassy field that led to a dense forest.   “Let me guess guys, through the forest?”

Burrito:  Hey, you’re the one with the hat.  After you!

So that’s how I found myself trudging through the woods with a burrito who has a thing for bluegrass and an asthmatic dog.  I had a brass key in my hand that I assumed meant something to the President and who knows how many miles ahead of us until we got to, as Karl the Burrito so elegantly put it, where the President hangs.  We went on for hours until a howl that turned into a yawn broke the silence.  “Tired Gus?”  Gus howled out another yawn, his tongue unrolling and rolling back into his mouth.

Dog:  Can we rest for a bit?  The burrito’s whining an awful lot.

Burrito:  Man, I can go on forever!

About that time the burrito fell on his face and the dog pulled an inhaler from his fur somewhere.  I figured it was time to rest.  We got settled beneath a gnarled oak and I quickly nodded off to sleep.  I hoped I would wake up in Jamaica or someplace this time, but no such luck.  The smell of sweat socks woke me up and I was right where I left off, except this time, I had a Saint Bernard in my face.  Needless to say, that didn’t last long. 

Though the burrito mumbled that all his sauce was going to his feet, we began to trudge on again.  Before we knew it, the trees began to thin and suddenly the forest opened up into a vast, sun bleached desert, complete with occasional cattle skull.  I let the burrito ride in my satchel, because, well, nobody likes a dried out burrito. The dog, bless his heart, was more suited for a northern climate but the drier climate did wonders for asthma and allergies.  The desert stretched on for miles and by the time we finally reached our destination, the dog was panting, my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth and our friend the burrito was all but microwaved. 

Dog:  I thought this place would be bigger.

Burrito:  Yeah, man.  Where are all the like bushes, and the swimming pool, and those sprinkler things?

I was stunned as well.  In the middle of the desert there was set up a disheveled pup tent made out of a blue tarp, patched up with ductape and pvc.  But there was a sign out side that said “The Presidents House”, so I assumed he was the guy.  “Do we knock?”

Burrito:  On what? There’s pvc and ductape.  Hey doggie, knock on the sign.

Dog: What about the doorbell.

“What doorbell.  There isn’t a—“ Okay, somehow yes there was a doorbell.  Ductaped to the blue tarp door was a battery operated doorbell.  Horrifying enough, it made sense to me. 

President:  Enter, all who will! 

We walked into the tent and found the leader of the free country sitting on a bean bag chair with a bag of pork rinds and a teddy bear. 

President:  I’ve been expecting you.The dog was the first to speak.

Dog:  Uh, Your Presidency Sir, I would like my allergies and asthma to go away.  President:   Here wear this.  I’ll let you stay here with me as my pet and you will have no more allergies or asthma. Gus took the shock collar from the President and instantly became a regular dog, forgetting how to talk, but his allergies and asthma were gone.  Karl spoke next.

Burrito:  Uh, Mister President Sir, I would like nothing more than to not be eaten.

President:  Have a seat here on my napkin, er, rug.  I, um, promise that I, uh, no one will eat you.

Burrito:  Hey, cool man!  You're alright! 

Karl hopped up on the President’s “rug” and became a regular, non-talking burrito.

President:  And now sir, I believe you have something that belongs to me.

I reached into my satchel and pulled out the key.  I looked at it then back at the President.  “No.”

President: No?

No, you don’t deserve this.  The dog growled and the President yelled “get back here!”, but I was already gone.  It was at this time that the alarm went off.  Tina hit me, then I hit the snooze.  I was never so happy to be awake.  I will never eat a burrito again before I go to sleep, and as I got out of bed, I went to the kitchen to greet my other friend, Rolaids.